Spirtitual Zeal and Cold Places. Update: Falling Away

Romans 12:11
    “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” NIV

    I’ve been to places perfectly contradicting this verse. Having been raised a Christian, I’ve always believed in God and there were very few times I’ve actually doubted His existence or reality. But there have certainly been down times in my relationship with God.
    You may have heard me describe my past spiritual life as an energetic horse tethered to a fence--all frisked up, but nowhere to go. At times, I was on fire for God, but looking around I had no idea what to do with that zeal. I couldn’t see any way to untie myself, much less jump the fence. And even if I had managed to get to the other side, I wouldn’t have known where to go. I just knew I had to.
    I wish I could say honestly that those were the feelings I had my whole life until coming here, but it is the other times that frighten me the most.
    It was at those times that I would burry myself in things of this world. Schoolwork, writing, videogames, you name it, all these things I tried to use to fill myself up, but I only succeeded in digging a deeper grave for my soul. I grew so bored of being tethered there, that I contented myself with the brown and earthly grass that I could reach from where I was. In my own strength, that is all I could manage.
    At those times, though I was as busy and superficially happy as ever, I was rotting inside and I could feel it. Hopelessness and dread would set in and I would entertain thoughts that I was morally and logically repulsed by normally.
    Luckily God broke my chains when he finally showed me what He was discontenting me for these past several years. But even now I still remember those times of darkness and my greatest fear is that I will slip back into one of those ruts.
    My application then is this:
    If I ever feel myself dying spiritually, I need to fast and pray for a clear direction in my life.

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Update:

    Okay, I’m going to step out on a ledge here and be really open up with this one. As you probably realize, we write these during the week but we normally only get a chance to update them on weekends. The evening after the time I wrote this--the very same day--I fell into one of those ruts. It was as if Satan was listening and said, “Okay, let’s put that conviction to the test, shall we?”
    Needless to say, I failed that test. I gave in and broke an oath to my Lord. The worst part about it was that by the end of the night I was steeped in a deep pool of apathy. By morning I was still in sin. I had been putting off praying, and I had been putting off doing IBS because I knew I had to pray before beginning that as well. I finally had to get my IBS done, so I had to pray, but it felt wrong to ask for forgiveness. It felt wrong because I didn’t even care that I had sinned. How could I ask the God of creation for forgiveness when I didn’t even regret what I did wrong? Well I had to before doing IBS so I finally did. I also asked Him to make me regret that sin, and to break my heart for it because I felt nothing. I felt like I did when I would drown myself in the world. The only redeeming thing I could say about myself at that time is that I knew and had faith that the Lord would bring me again to my knees--when and how was up to Him.
    Of course, the God we serve is gracious and merciful beyond words. I can’t believe the revival he put into my heart that day. I wept and I prayed nearly the whole time. God answers prayer in amazing ways. At the end of the day I had the opportunity to ask Pastor Mike how he keeps from falling away. The answer he gave was this: Write down what causes you to sin. Then draw a line (figuratively he demonstrated this on the carpet). Then walk ten feet away, and don’t cross that line.
    That’s really great for the practical physical sins that are plaguing me, and I’m glad I got the chance to ask him, though I was afraid.

    Then, later that day in bible study, just three verses after our study verse, I read Galatians 5:16. “I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” NKJV. I don’t even know why I read down there, but I felt I needed to… in the middle of discussion. God is merciful. I didn’t even ask Him to show me how to avoid the sin in my mind, which is what caused me to stumble.
    So my new application is this. Each time I feel that temptation, I need to pray. When I feel it again, I need to close my eyes, bow my head, and pray again for the Lord to fill me with His Spirit. I find myself often repeating the prayer, “Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from the evil one.” (The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6)
    And for the things that cause me to fall away that are not in my head, I need to do as Pastor Mike suggested. I’ve already started my list, now I need to write it out and make it official and draw those lines.