An Answer to prayer

    So here goes my first non-IBS blog. I would have written more, honestly, but every spare moment here is normally taken up with a boatload of homework.

    I don’t really want to post all of this because the first part, the journal is pretty bad. But it was during my journaling time that God told me to post this, and I promised to, so here goes.
    Below will be a somewhat revised but true to the point journal entry from yesterday. The assignment was basically to make a list of the hardest times in your life and pray and ask the Lord why those times happened and how He plans to use them to strengthen us. And also to check and make sure we have no hard or hurt feelings towards the memories or people in them.
    Oh, and I’ll be fictionalizing some of the names because there is no need for me to cast some of those people in a bad light. On that note, bear in mind that these struggles are completely inside of me, and nothing anyone else has done really has an effect on it. In essence the world is not cruel to me, I am cruel to me.

So here’s the journal entry, I changed as little of it as possible, so just beware. And if you read it, read the update too. It’s four pages long on the processor so if you do decide to read it, and then you decide halfway though the journal you just can’t, skip the rest of the journal and read the conclusion. Because that’s the cool part.

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    Day 28 (Tues)

    Lord, I have been asked to bring my most painful memories before you today. Please give to me remembrance and strength as I attempt to do this.
    The first one that came to mind in class was Sarah and how that friendship ended. We took a class together when Sarah and her best friend were at odds. They were at odds for most of the semester, and I encouraged them to forgive each other repeatedly. But in the mean-time Sarah and I got to know each other quite well.
    Well Sarah and her best friend finally did forgive each other, and when that happened, it was like I didn’t exist to either of them anymore. For a few days I tried to join them and hang out with them, but it was very clear to me that I wasn’t wanted anymore.
    I don’t think I was angry at all, and I continued to be nice to them, but it was just one more example of how undesirable I am as a friend or a person or whatever. And it hurt, though I tried to avoid thinking about it by burying myself in my writing.
    This is my pain, Lord.
    Another time I was at the lunch table with Steven and watching Dave from my class stuff as many marshmallows in his mouth as possible. I was cheering him on and being obnoxious and having a good time when some friend of Steven’s (someone I’ve never met) walks up to him and asks who I am.
    Steven’s response “Oh, just some weird girl.” It was like he said it with disgust.
    At that point I think we had talked to each other every morning on the bus for over a year--maybe two.
    He didn’t even say it like we knew each other.

    I hate it when people talk about me, Lord.
   
    Even here at Potter’s Field I have felt it. I think there’s been at least three major times that I’ve just seen the evidence that I am undesirable as a person. And the people here are wonderful. They are so loving and kind and it is by no means their fault. In fact, it wasn’t even Sarah’s or Steven’s fault either.
    On a side note, the Lord is telling me I need to post this in my blog, so I’m writing this note to keep me accountable.
    It just adds to my weakness to realize that my greatest pains and my greatest trials might as well have been imagined. How pathetic is that.
    But back on topic. It wasn’t just those two instances from high school that I shared. Those were just two very low points in a life where I felt that happen every day. Just one small thing piling on top of another pointing to the fact that there is nothing desirable about my personality. Nothing that would make someone want to talk to me, much less be my friend.
    I hate it when people tell me I need to come out of my shell because for one, if I knew how to make people like me more, or if I knew how to have deep conversations about my life, I would. Believe me, I would.
    Besides I know if I do open up and show emotion I’m going to get burned for it. So it’s best for me to just remain quiet.
    “It is better for people to think you a fool, than for you to open your mouth and prove them right.” (And no, that’s definitely not scripture, I think some dead president supposedly said this.) That quote is basically what I lived by.
    Back to the struggles I’m still having today, though. Again, no one has tried to hurt me. I just want to make that clear. In fact, several people here seem to be going out of their way to help me--God only knows the reason. But even in that encouragement Satan tries to tell me it is just because they see how much of a loser you are.
    The other times are just stupid things like me always walking past people having deep conversations, but never actually being a part of that kind of fellowship.
    I always feel like I have to invite myself into a conversation, and people tolerate it, of course, but they really don’t want me there.
    And then when I am invited to things by my peers I feel like I’m an afterthought and they really don’t care if I’m there at all.
    Heh, maybe if this is long enough, Lord, no one will read it. And right now I feel convicted for not wanting to do your will. Sorry.
    Other times I start to say something, I see that no one is listening and that no one cares, so I just stop. So I’ll randomly give stupid half-sentence comments. A few times I was actually asked what I was trying to say, but by that time I was too embarrassed to give a real answer so I try to play it off or just make up something different.
    Just one more small sign that people just really don’t give a damn about me, and all that other stuff is just superficial politeness--or at least that’s what the Devil tries to tell me. For most of my life I’ve believed that in every setting I’m in except for my family.
    I love my family so much it hurts to read about when Jesus said “Whoever does not forsake his family and follow me is not worthy of me.” But it’s true.
    And if you read this, and I kind of hope you didn’t, just don’t leave this thinking “Man, I need to include her in more things and encourage or whatever so she doesn’t feel this way,” please don’t. I don’t want sympathy or any more superficially nice actions. Talk to me only if you want to, not because you feel obligated.
    And if you want to help me just be aware of my weakness. I get extremely discouraged when I hear people talk about me. Even if I don’t hear the whole conversation or if it’s just neutral or even nice stuff about me, the Devil uses those moments to fill my head with the worst kind of thoughts. Nothing bad about the people talking, but things about myself. It hurts me a lot, so just gossip about me only when you know I’m a million miles away, por favor.

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    So basically I really didn’t want to write this but when Pastor Don assigned it I first felt God telling me I definitely should devote a good amount of time to it. Well I did it in my On the Mount time and I basically cried to whole time. I know, I’m that pathetic. I can’t even tell Jesus my troubles without breaking down, and He already knows all about it. He was there. And the whole time I just felt so stressed and I got a headache. Which turned into a migraine.
    It was truly my first migraine since coming here, which is a miracle in and of itself. And I was really discouraged by it because I was like “Okay, God, I’m doing what you want me to, and I spent all this time earnestly praying and talking and following your will for me, and I get to feel like crap because of this?” I wasn’t mad at Him or anything. I already know the reason for my headaches. Every time I get them I have to seclude myself in a dark place, without laying down usually or I’ll puke. On top of that, the best way I’ve found to keep from puking (sorry, if that word makes you uncomfortable, there’s just no easier way to say it) is to sing. The scientific justifier in me says that’s because I’m sitting up right, and using my voice my stomach is actually settled (I’d go into more detail to prove that that’s actually true, but it’s kinda gross, so I’ll skip it). But sometimes, I know when God saves me from suffering too badly. I actually kind of enjoy the fact that in those times, the only thing I can rely upon is Him. And, I don’t know, it’s just good to have times to stop everything and be with God, even if I’m forced there, =)
    But back to the story, I was kind of frustrated because I just spent a bunch of time with Him, quality time, and now I had to be in class. How could God not want me to be focused in a class about Him? But I gritted my teeth and said, okay, you’re doing this for a reason.
    Well--and this is the cool part--it turns out He did. I didn’t get the reason until I was laying in bed. But basically I tried not to be obvious in IBS class after suffering through the class before it. Then I went up into our closet (which is huge at the moment) and tried to wait it off in the darkness instead of going to dinner. I was hoping I’d be feeling better by the time Chapel started, but it was really hard for me because someone else in my room stayed behind, so I couldn’t sing or anything except in my head. Which kind of made me frustrated because I knew God brought me there for a reason, but I couldn’t even fellowship with Him in the typical way when that happens. So I just prayed instead for the most part, and drank a whole bunch of water.
    A bunch of people kept like coming in and apologizing and then asking if I needed anything and offering sympathy, which kind of made me feel bad because I know it’s not that big of a deal. Yeah it hurts, but 99.9% of the time it’s gone by morning. And then after dinner Courtney, a staff member who I respect because she’s kind of the leader of the women’s dorm, came in and offered me some water, asked if I needed anything, and said that they were praying for me. At this I was like “Woah, people are really making a big deal out of this. Maybe I should have just suffered though it, and not have told anyone.” But I really really hate puking where people can hear me, so I decided that would have been a bad plan.
    Then when everyone was in chapel I sat against the door and sang like I normally did, and not much longer after that I was feeling like I knew I wouldn’t puke. So I prayed a little more and tried to sneak in the back entrance of Chapel hoping people wouldn’t notice me. Well, I was noticed, by Courtney of all people and other people who I think knew and I tried to do the awkward silent gesture “yeah, I’m fine” thing.
    Then a long while afterwards Pastor Steve came up to me and asked quietly if I was feeling better. At this I was definitely shocked. It was like everyone knew, and it kind of hit me that they might have actually been praying for me.
    Of course, me being me, I felt bad. I thought that I should have informed them that headaches really aren’t that big of a deal with me. Yeah they hurt, sometimes so bad that I’m crying for hours hoping God will save me, but by morning they’re gone. By morning I feel closer to God because of them.

    It wasn’t until I lay in bed last night that it struck me. I was just about to sleep when God basically said, “Kayla, I let you have that headache today so that you would know that my children do love you.” Even though my mentality was “suck it up and deal with it” the people here cared. Cared more than I did for myself. Cared more than my family back home would have.
    I still think that concern was a little misguided, but it really spoke to me. Especially after spending so much of my life just saying “yeah, no one cares, suck it up and stop being so selfish” and then resurfacing that earlier that day.
    The Lord is truly amazing. As I was speaking to Him about the troubles in my heart, He was already laying the path to proving my doubts about people and my doubts about myself wrong.

    Oh, and this whole event, I just realized, is an answer to another prayer that God would give me a testimony I could use. I hope it encourages someone, =)


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…and this is Jaymi, praising God that I hurt my ankle. Because of it, He brought to me an amazing friend like Kayla. When I say she’s beautiful and amazing and wonderful, they’re not just empty words. She really is. Thank you Jesus (: